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If anyone does not stumble in word,
he is a perfect man, able also
to bridle the whole body.
James 3:2
A friend of mine once shared a lesson he learned the hard way. He had been recently installed as the pastor of a church in an urban setting. A city park with a reputation as a ‘hook-up’ location lay next to the church, and from his office window, my friend saw many sordid events.
There was one male couple, in particular, whose flagrancy bothered him. Each day they would walk through the park hand-in-hand, leaning against other with affection. And it got to the point that, when my friend saw them through his window, he would point them out to his secretary and say, “Look at that. Isn’t that disgusting?”
Then, one day, he happened to be walking through the park, and he spied the couple rounding the bend down the pathway walking toward him. “Great,” he murmured. But he forced a pastoral smile and walked forward.
As the couple neared, he saw that one of the men was older than he had appeared from a distance, and the other was younger than he had appeared.
The older man smiled and said, “Good morning.”
My friend answered, “Hello. Beautiful day, isn’t it?”
And then the younger man, turning to the older, said, “D..d...daddy… is th..this man a frien.. friend?”
In a flash, my friend recognized how wrong he had been. These two men were not lovers. They were an older man and his disabled son, taking a walk in the park. And my friend was ashamed – ashamed that he had judged them, pointed them out to his secretary, and had spoken words of condemnation. But by then, of course, the words had been spoken. It was too late. All he could do was repent and beg God’s forgiveness.
That’s learning a lesson the hard way, isn’t it?
Well, we all stumble at times with our words, so we shouldn’t slam this poor pastor. But wouldn’t it be great if we could avoid similar mistakes? Wouldn’t it be great if we had some principles to guide us in this area?
The good news today is that there are principles to guide us. They are found in God’s Word, and all we have to do is remember and apply them. And we can do that, because God has given us His Holy Spirit, living in us and empowering us to obey His precepts.
The book of Proverbs, in particular, is filled with helpful advice on how to use our tongues, and, today, I want to review briefly seven simple speech principles found in that book. We’ll call them “The Seven Steps to Spectacular Speech.” Here they are:
- Listen first. “He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.” Proverbs 18:13
Whole books have been written on the importance of listening, and they usually outline methods for improving your listening skills. But let’s be honest, the only thing you need to do, in order to listen well, is to close your mouth and concentrate on what the other person is saying.
- Think about it. “The heart of the righteous studies how to answer...” Proverbs 15:28
Think first, then speak. I wish I had practiced this principle more carefully throughout my life. I would have saved myself and others a lot of pain. And what should you think about? Well, as my wife reminds me frequently, think about this: “Is it kind, necessary, and true?” You could also ask yourself that great question, “Is this something Jesus would say?”
- Shut up. “Even a fool is counted wise when he holds his peace; When he shuts his lips, he is considered perceptive.” Proverbs 17:28
I had a ministerial friend named Dan who mastered this principle. Dan was no fool. He would keep his mouth shut, particularly in long business meetings. Everyone would give his or her opinion, some more emphatically than others, except for Dan. And then we’d remembered that he hadn’t contributed yet, and we’d turn to him. By then, he had heard everyone else’s ideas and had carefully formed his own thoughts. His comments were always comprehensive and insightful. He sure came across as a wise person.
- Choose wisely. “A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, And a word spoken in due season, how good it is!” Proverbs 15:23
Words aptly chosen are valuable, and a person who makes genuine contributions through his comments will be honored. This often boils down to knowing what to say when. Wisdom entails discerning a time for light comments (“The weather’s taken a turn for the worse, hasn’t it?”) and a time for heavy ones (“If you died today, where would you spend eternity?”). I guess this goes along with the other principles, such as “think first.” Choosing words wisely depends on your taking a moment, assessing the situation, and choosing gracious words that will bless and build.
- Test for quality. “He who guards his mouth preserves his life, But he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.” Proverbs 13:3
Every thought, even those brilliant true thoughts, does not need to be expressed. Here again is a principle I wished I had learned when I was younger. I won’t go into the story much, but I remember a girlfriend once asking me how I would describe her body build. I thought about it, and then answered truthfully, “Hmm, pear-shaped?” Enough said.
- Be concise. “In the multitude of words sin is not lacking, But he who restrains his lips is wise.” Proverbs10:19
The fool babbles on. This, I know, is true, and, frankly, it scares me. I’m a bit of a talker, and I have to guard against overindulging in verbal expression. I guess that’s one of my areas of temptation to excess. Some people are tempted to eat too much; some people are tempted to drink too much; and some of us are tempted to talk too much. If you also struggle with that temptation, you will have to join me with confessing your failings and asking the Spirit’s help in overcoming this sinful tendency. Hmm, maybe we should start an “Overtalkers Anonymous” or “Blabbers Anonymous”?
- Put some heart into it. “The heart of the wise teaches his mouth…” Proverbs 16:23
As we speak with others, we would be wise to remember Who God is and who man is. By that I mean we should remember that God is utterly holy, and it is only by His grace that any of us stand. So we should be careful to avoid harshness in our conversations. We should seek to be gentle with all. And, yes, I’ll admit it, I struggle with that too. I’ve noticed it’s easy to be gentle when I’m getting my way and ‘my rights’ are being respected, but when I’m not and they’re aren’t, it’s a different story. My flesh calls my tongue to battle, and I am tempted to use words to eviscerate my adversary. At this time, I must listen to the Spirit who reminds me that ‘I am but dust, and to dust I will return’ and ‘to do unto others as I would have them do unto me.’
I hope you haven’t made the blunders I and my pastor friend made. But if you have, don’t despair. Ask God’s forgiveness, accept it, and then move on. Forget the things that are past, and push forward in His strength toward greater holiness. Ask the Lord to help you apply these seven steps to spectacular speech!
“Let your speech always be
with grace, seasoned with salt.”
Colossians 4:6
- Christian Pilet
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